The WTF Workout

Have you ever laughed just a little bit at Richard Simmons? I mean the dude does do cardio kicks in shiny short-shorts. However, after my experience today with the kooky instructor at the gym , I have a whole new respect for Mr. Simmons. At least he is wearing work-out attire, frightening as it may be.

After some run-ins with the "Zero Experience" childcare morons at the LA Fitness in my area, I moved onto a new, smaller gym. The plus side of the new gym is that it has great childcare. The women are all moms and actually hold crying children instead of shoving snacks at them or turning the tv up to drown them out. The creepy side of the new gym is that all the people are fantastically fit. The women are size 2 barbies and the men are way too tan and hairless. It gives you a bit of a complex after seeing their machine timers say "10 more miles to go!" and crap like that. (yes, I spy on their machines).

Now, you'd think that the buff and beautiful would have no mere mortal for an instructor. I was thinking, "shoot, the classes here must be taught by Hercules!" I expected Hercules, I got more of a Medusa.

The teacher was an angry, freaky, black-wigged wearing nutcase. She showed up not even wearing workout clothes, but jeans and bare-feet. She also chose not to wear a mic, but to "yell" her instructions, which started with,"Ok! Get going! 5 minutes to warm up any way you want to. Come on, start going. You over there do some jumping jacks or some stretches. Do whatever your body tells you it wants to do."

After that tirade my body was saying, "Let's go home and put the pjs back on," but I am glad I stayed, because she only got funnier. After the fake-warm up we did one-sided leg squats for 5 minutes, then she skipped doing the other side, so that "our brains would be tricked." We jumped from lifting weights to rolling on the ground in one minute all so that our bodies would be "continually surprised and ready for action" Sweet! We were being trained to be ninjas! She talked (and never instructed) the entire class about her outlook on life and menopause and a host of other personal things. She was also very into the phrase, " This is not a McWorkout!" Whatever the hell that means.

The whole time I kept thinking I was being punk'd. I thought this mostly because the other people around me actually seemed to be buying into her jargon. They had to be actors, I mean how did they know what to do without any instruction? Everyone was just jumping around like confused monkeys, but no one else seemed bothered about the fact.

After the class I shook my head in wonder as I walked out and caught a glimpse of one woman (yes, only ONE WOMAN out of 30) doing the same. I rushed over to her and asked," Um, was that weird to you?" She whispered back,"I don't even know what to say. You think there is something wrong with her?" Uh, clearly.

Next week I think I am skipping the Friday morning Cardio Blast! class for a good old run on the treadmill followed by some free weights. I guess that makes me a "McWorkout" kind of girl.