If you give a toddler a donut.....

(If you've ever read any of the "If you give a _ a _" books by Laura Numeroff, this post will make much more sense to you. Ok that, OR if you've been a parent to a 2 year old.)
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If you give a toddler a donut, he's going to want some chocolate milk to go with it.

From January 2010

Drinking his chocolate milk will remind him that he found some chocolate in Easter eggs a few weeks ago at the park, so he'll want to go immediately back to said park just in case he overlooked any nooks and crannies.

Because he is going to "hunt for treasure" he'll want to wear his pirate hat. He'll also want to wear his pajamas with the treasure boxes on them, but will thoroughly protest to a diaper change.

While you are holding the bucking bronco down to change his diaper, he'll remember that he ALSO wants to bring a shovel to the park. Not the little shovel, but the BIG shovel papa uses in the backyard.

After searching for the shovel in the garage (and sticking his hands into numerous spider webs and other yucky things), he'll change his mind and decide that a ride in the car would be more fun.

On the car ride, you will pass by the library and he will scream murder until you stop at the library and find him a book on cats with swords. (This is directly in opposition to the grocery store trip you were planning to make).

You will use the library computer to reference "cats" and "swords" and while you are standing at the computer, he will disappear in 10 seconds.

You will find him easily, because he'll have completely forget his "inside voice" while doing a song and dance solo on the story-time stage.

From March 2010

The LOUD little ditty might go like this:

WHO MADE A FART? NOAH! NOAH!
WHO MADE A FART? BROTHER NOAH MADE A FART!
(sung to the tune of Raffi's "Who Built the Ark?")

You will be mortified. You will start to sweat. You will probably remember that you needed to go to the grocery store specifically to get more deodorant. You will think to yourself, What in F is wrong with me? Am I nuts? He's 2 and I'm 31. I CALL THE SHOTS! This crap needs to stop right now.

Sensing your parental epiphany, your toddler will cock his eyebrow and promptly take off running down the aisles.

Once you catch up to him and have a very concentrated grown-up talk about proper behavior, he will give you the raspberries. After that spectacular parenting moment, you might just give up and promise him a donut to get back into the car.

And chances are, if you promise him a donut, you are going to have to buy some chocolate milk at the grocery store to go with it.