Tricks Are For Kids

Let's be honest, being a new stay-at -home mommy can be rough. It's amazing, cuddly, and sweet too, but some of the time, it can make you want to bang your head against the wall. Luckily for me, my son Noah has a "mama's had it meter." Every few weeks he uses this gauge to dole out a new accomplishment and keep mommy happy (aka from running away to Mexico...j/k!)

Flashback to February when Noah was 6 weeks old. The poor guy had some horrible reflux and gas. He wanted to nurse all the time (every 1 1/2 hrs) or so, then would grunt/cry/fart until the next feeding. It was a nightmarish cycle. My husband and I were both losing it from lack of sleep. After an especially horrible night where I thought I would have to staple my eyes open, he went to sleep for a whole 4 hours!!! When I went to his room to check he was still breathing, he was awake, laying there calmly. All of the sudden HE SMILED AT ME and my heart was so filled with love and happiness (and relief), I get tingly thinking about it right now.

I SO wish I had that on video. What I do have on video is Noah doing his first real wave to Mommy.

Neat trick, huh? Did you hear the excitement in my voice?

The whole morning leading up to this miraculous moment, Noah had been a teething mess. His top two teeth are coming in and he rotates between crying and banging his hand against his mouth. I had already given him Tylenol the past 3 days and I wanted his liver to get a rest, so I suffered through the morning in my pjs, walking Noah around the house.

Around 10am, he arches his back and throws his arms up (which translates to put me down, now!) So I think, "fine, sheesh, my back was hurting anyways!" He takes the next few minutes to crawl up and down the hallway in the opposite direction of me....and then he turns back to me and WAVES! Almost as if he was saying, "Thanks mom, I can handle it now, just checkin in to say hello." It was so sweet. Again, melty, mushy mommy heart.

This begs the question, are "tricks for kids" or are they for the mommies who really seem to need them?

No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed!

.....and they all rolled over and one fell off.

As a mother, I define myself by moments shared with my sweet little boy. Yesterday wasn't my finest...Noah fell face first off of our bed onto the (thank God it was carpeted) floor.

We were sitting having a nice "let's read a magazine together" moment on mommy's bed. AKA, I attempt to speed read snippets of articles in Glamour before Noah tears the page out. Not wanting to miss out on any snuggle time, my cat Hermione jumps up on the bed with us. Once she spies that Noah has already taken her favorite spot on the bed, she bolts back down in a huff. The next few seconds happen in slow motion....

1. Noah sports his "I WANT KITTY NOW!" face

2. His back legs become the inspiration for long jumpers everywhere as he rockets himself out of my lap, heading toward the side of the bed

3. Next frame is Noah's excited face as he plummets over the side, still reaching for the cat

(pause....this is where MY HEART STOPS)

4. Noah crashes to the ground head first, then body follows

After the initial (OH MY GOD), I swiped him up into my arms. He and I are both crying hysterically and I imagine the next 30 years with my son as a quadriplegic.

While I am dialing the ped's emergency line I notice he can still move his head back and forth. While I am on hold (grrrrrrrr, it's an emergency people! who has a hold button for this line?) he stops screaming and just whimpers a bit. As I talk to the nurse who assures me "babies are flexible," my sweet baby stops crying altogether and gives Mommy a smile. By the time I am finished memorizing the symptoms of a concussion, he is arching his back and then crawling when I put him down.


Phew. We both survived. But now I am plagued with a horrible case of Mommy Guilt.

Tell me something like this has happened to you. Or do I win "Bad Mommy of the Year Award 2008"?

Mommy Mania

My Favorite Phrase: "Time to Push the Crazy Back In"

Explanation: Like cotton stuffing popping out of a pillow, every once in a while, Mommy must cram the crazy back into her head.

Once again......it's time.
________________________________________________

Pre-baby I was a typically anxious A-type personality - I crave organization, I agonize over stupid details, I worry too much about what people think. Having a baby has added a whole new layer of crazy into my life.....NOW I STRESS OVER OTHER PEOPLE'S BABIES.

It doesn't matter that I don't know them, I agonize over stranger's babies. I worry over babies I see dangling over the shopping carts at Target, I worry about babies without hats or sunglasses, squinting in the sun. And I stress over that baby eating fries for lunch, how will she get her 2 serving of fruit and veggies? I also want to pick up every sad, crying baby I see and cuddle them. Ok, almost every baby...

I also stress over babies that I know. "That baby isn't taking enough naps, IT WILL GROW UP SLEEP DEPRIVED!" and "That baby is being pushed too hard, just give him the dang juice already, he doesn't freaking want to sign for it."*Note: Most of the mommies I know rock , so I am not talking about you.

I worry over mommies to-be-too. Showers are filled with thoughts like: "Why did so and so only get clothes for her baby, Why didn't she register for bottles, play yards, sheets, pacifers, nail clippers, etc? DOESN'T SHE KNOW HOW MUCH SHIT IT TAKES TO RAISE A BABY!?!?"


Of course, these thoughts run through my head as I let my 8-month-old eat Puffs of an unknown origin off the cat-haired ridden kitchen floor.



Does that make your Mommy alarm go off, or am I the only one who has to push the crazy back in?

A Message for Mommy

So he's only 8 months, and can't talk yet, but I think he has communicated quite clearly that I have been spending too much time blogging. I came to sit down yesterday and found this.....A lovely pile of spit-up on my office chair. Baby genius or mommy with a ridiculous guilt complex?

You decide.

Bye Bye Binky, Hello Screamy

You know that bright red panic button that flashes in your brain when your infant cries? You know, the one that screams, "Warning, your baby is in danger, please respond immediately or your child will be emotionally crippled and IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT!"

Mine's been going off all week long. My DH and I decided to wean Noah from his pacifier.

I didn't think it would be quite so traumatic for all of us. He usually just takes it to fall asleep. I would rock him gently, place the Binky in, and the little guy would drift peacefully to sleep within 5 minutes. I figured, hey, it will be almost the same....I will rock, I will sing...he will love it. Mommy is just so soothing....blah blah blah. Boy, was I stupid. It wasn't my awesome soothing skills that did it. It was that damn Binky. He really NEEDS it to fall asleep.

NO BINKY = MUCHO SCREAMY.

If you are a mother, or have read pretty much any Parent Magazine, I am sure you are familiar with the 2 major "sleep" theories:

1. Let cry it out

2. Don't let them cry it out (or do the combo Ferber thing)

The completely ridiculous thing is that you can find evidence in each book stating that doing the other will cause major emotional trauma to to your child. I figure I turned out mostly ok, so in desperation I asked my mom what she did with me. She said "scream it out." (I guess I didn't just cry, I was a screamer.)

LIKE MOTHER, LIKE SON!

When we started this god-forsaken endeavor last week he was doing 45-60 minutes of the "rage" cry before sleeping. You know the one that builds into a scream so violent you think they will projectile vomit? Yeah, we went through three days of that.

Fortunately, I am over the whole "this will damage your child" mentally. I can't remember two seconds of my infancy and according to my mother, I cried a WHOLE lot. But I have to admit that listening to his crying kicks my nervous system into high gear. My heart beats faster, I can't sit still. FREAKIN BIOLOGICAL RESPONSES. Umm. I mean "ahhh. the joys of being a woman/mother."

So once again I called my mother (who by now is glowing with the fact she is "teaching" me something...and seems suspisciously smug that my crying karma has come around and bit me on the ass). I ask her, "What did you do to drown out the mommy alarm?" In her infinite wisdom she related, "I watched taped episodes of Dallas and Falcon Crest." I guess their drama out-weighed mine.

I figure The Hills, Project Runway, and the rest of reality tv all have enough drama to beat out my little guy's screams. This morning it only took 10 minutes of listening to Spencer berate his sister for (gasp) inviting Lauren to her birthday party and HURRAY! - Noah stopped crying and went to sleep.

My alarm still goes off. Now I just think, hmmm. What's on Tivo?

Hasta la Vista, Boobies

Good morning stretch marks! I was putting a tshirt on this morning and had to do a double take at the ladies that once gloriously sat upon my chest.

For the last 7 months I have been a breastfeeding mama. While they were frequently hard, leaky, and sore, at least they were there and noticeable. Before this, I had been an "A" team member since age 12, and to actually go out and by a "C" bra was cause for some definite celebration. Ok, so most of them were nursing bras, but hey, I will take it.

Last month, Noah decided he just wasn't that into breastfeeding anymore. I checked to make sure it wasn't "a strike." Nope, for 3 solid weeks he wanted a bottle and a bottle with formula. I would attempt latch, he would shove his two chubby arms against my chest and throw his head back. Considering that formula smells like sour toes, I was a little hurt by this. I was also sad that we were missing out on our "lovey, cuddle" time.

I have had a few weeks to get over it. But now, here is the reality that it's really over, staring me in the face yet again. With my milk dried up, I am pitching for the A team was again...and appearantly my team likes stripes....

Noah Debunks Baby Myths

This is for all the mommies-to-be. You hear so much advice when you are pregnant, I just thought I would share some things that didn't turn out to be true with Noah. However, like all the books say "every baby is different..yada yada yada.."

Baby Myths:

1. The swing will save your life. False
It appears Noah thinks the swing will end his life. He screams after about 10 minutes in it.

2. Your pacifier brand matters. False
When he gets pissed, any brand (even a questionably clean finger) will do. He just wants to suck. Even not so mad, he doesn't seem to notice the difference, but the Avent pacifiers stay in better than Soothies, meaning less scurrying back to him to stick it back in.

3. Swaddling makes them sleep longer. True
Watch our little guy when he is sleepy and you will be surprised with the accuracy of his karate kid impersonation. For some reason, when he is tired, he is so active it freaks him out. This has calmed down a lot now that he is older, but very very true in the first 3 months.

4. Play only soothing music to your baby. False
I got this one from the Baby Whisperer. Unlike British kids, our unborn child was subjected to background Britney exposure. You just can't escape her. Noah loves pop music and loves to watch momma dance. The more upbeat, the better.

5. Baby sleeps better with you. True
If he could, he would sleep with us 24/7. This might become a problem during his high school years, so we are trying to keep him in his crib for now.

6. The first 6 weeks suck. True and False
There are things that suck for sure. Like not sleeping. This is a major problem as you are not supposed to consume caffeine. What kind of dirty trick is that? Also, you aren't always sure why they are crying. This is a hard one, watching them be so upset for a reason you just can't figure out.Then there are things that are the opposite of sucking. Like everything else. Holding him, talking to him, just being in the same house, makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world.

Its an amazing feeling. Good luck to all the new mommies out there!